Hitsugaya and the Banana King
by Full Shadow Alchemist
Summary: Hitsugaya's 'female' friends are back with a vengeance, as they take him on yet another magical adventure! 2/3 of "Hitsugaya's Adventures as Charlie the Unicorn"


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Charlie the unicorn. If I did, this would be one of the filler episodes.

I want to apologize for any confusion this might arise. Please, try not to think about it.

Hitsugaya and the Banana King

It was another day full of nothing but paperwork, Teletubbies and stupid people coming into his office to tell him they were out of Timbits. Hitsugaya, captain of the tenth division, wondered briefly if the day could get any worse. Last week had been weird, but so long as the older captains assured him clothes were overrated anyways, everything was going to be okay.

At least it was. Matsumoto and Hinamori floating through his window in scuba gear saying "glub, glub" and heavy 'underwater' breathing kind of ruined the calm effect.

Momo giggled wildly. "Look over theeeerrrrreeeeee! It's a coral reef." She waved vaguely in the direction of the window behind him. He didn't turn around.

"Oh look, it's you guys," Hitsugaya sarcastically retorted. "…and you're floating."

"Shiro-chan, we're scuba diving Shiro-chan!" Momo feigned hurt while still staring at the ever elusive point behind him. He still didn't turn around.

"We're exploring the depths of the ocean _bluuue!" _Matsumoto happily added.

Momo suddenly gasped, maintaining her happy face while still being shocked. "Ohhh nooo, here comes a school of poisonous foogul fish!" She gestured behind him. Hitsugaya didn't turn around.

Matsumoto paddled midair desperately. "Noooooo, fooguls!"

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you gotta watch out for those. So uh…go away, I'm watching TV." The purple teletubbie had just been kidnapped. If that little guy didn't make it, well…let us just say that he was busy, and he really couldn't care less if they were poisoned to death.

There was a brilliant light behind him, and it took every fibre of his being to not _turn around._

Momo cried out melodramatically. "Nooo, the vortex has been openeeedd!"

Hitsugaya realized that the vortex was coming out of his back. Not that he had turned around or anything. "Oh god, what is this?" He asked in a tight voice.

"Shiirooo-chaaann, we're being pulled into the vortex!" His childhood friend cried out again. They were drifting a lot closer…

They paddled more frantically. "Swim away, foogul fish! Swim awaaayyy!" Matsumoto screamed.

Hitsugaya laughed nervously. "Come on now you guys, you're freaking me out. Turn this thing off!"

Momo giggled insanely. Like an axe murderer. "There's no stopping the vortex, Shhiiirrrroooo."

Electricity zapped between the three of them, and Hitsugaya tried not to sweat. When water and electricity met, bad things happened. Very, very bad things. But you knew that already, right? Right?

"FOOOOOGUUUUUUuuullsss…." The two women cried out, voices echoing inside the vortex. Then, it closed.

A moment of silence. Hitsugaya nervously called out, "Guys? _Guys? _…Or girls, I really have my doubts about you two sometimes."

In a flash of light the vortex opened again, and half of Momo's body protruded from his back. "Shiro, Shiro I have the amulet!" She showed him an amulet. It had a purple gem in the middle, encircled by gold trimming. It was attached to a golden chain.

"What amulet? What's going on?" He asked her desperately.

Momo was persistent, "The amulet, Shiro! The magical amulet that sparkles, sparkles!"

Matsumoto popped up too, just to add, "Sparkle."

She went down again.

Hitsugaya came to an awful conclusion: something was happening that he didn't understand. He expressed his distress to his friends by eloquently saying, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

"The _amuleeettttt_," Momo helpfully explained. She disappeared back into the vortex then.

Hitsugaya spent a few anxious seconds by himself. Thankfully, they didn't feel like millennia had passed, just a few seconds. They popped out again quickly enough. Both had a big grin on their faces. Their scuba gear was gone.

"We did it!" Momo squeed.

"We got the amulet!" Matsumoto squeed right after. She was wearing the necklace around her neck. Only…he was sure he could hear it scream in terror as it sank slowly into her cleavage. Poor thing. They all knew how that felt.

The cries of a hapless amulet weren't his concern though. "Great, now go away. I'm tired of the horrible things that happen when you're around."

"Nooo Shiro-chan," Momo looked aghast.

"No," Matsumoto looked horrified.

Then they got HUGE. Their entire bodies bloated, grew in size until he thought they were going to burst. They deflated quickly.

"We have to take the amulet to the Banana Kiiiing," Momo said in her this-is-serious-business-so-why-am-I-smiling voice.

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes again. "Oh yes, the Banana King. Of course. ABSOLUTELY NOT."

Matsumoto retorted, "He's counting on us, Captaaaiinnnn." She voluptuous lady began floating. It became an internet sensation overnight. And a fetish.

Momo was much more down to earth. (Get it? Down to earth, whereas Matsumoto is always drunk so she's always weeeeeee. CROWD: YOU DON'T GET YOUR OWN JOKE. LAME-O. (b/c it's like Jell-O. get it?)) "If we don't get the amulet to the Banana King the vortex will open and let out a thousand years of darkness."

Matsumoto solemnly added, "Nooooooo darknessss." (Still floating, btw.)

The vortex reopened in Hitsugaya's back. He almost started crying from how much sense all of this did not make, especially when octopus tentacles started coming out. That might have spawned his hysterical response.

"All right fine, I'll go, I'll go."

Matsumoto and Momo let out happy, "yayyy"s.

Matsumoto creepily screamed, "Darkness." (Still floating btw.)

They were walking through the forests outside the Soul Society now, the backdrop being all familiar to Hitsugaya. He'd been here before. Thank god he had so many other pairs of spare clothing, or this would just be awkward. In any case, he had a new annoyance at hand.

"Bololool" Matsumoto said.

"Bololool" Momo continued.

"Bololool" Matsumoto continued.

"Bololool" Momo continued.

"Bololool" Matsumoto continued.

"What are you two doing?" Hitsugaya asked, not bothering to hide any and all animosity he was feeling, and the fact that he already knew what they were doing. It was for effect, you know?

"Bololool" Momo continued.

"Bololool" Matsumoto continued.

"Stop that." Hitsugaya demanded, much more stony now. (Or would "stonier" make more sense? Ah whatever. WRITER'S LICENSE FTWWWW)

"Bololool" Momo finished one more time.

The trees parted and the three came upon a clearing. Hitsugaya saw a shape in that clearing and hoped it was a TV set. If he was lucky, he could catch the ending of teletubbies while the girls (?) consulted the map. When you deprive yourself of a childhood, stuff like this tends to happen, for the record. Alas, 'twas not to be.

Instead, they found a Z.

"Oh look at that." Hitsugaya was a little disturbed. The letter was not a part of the Japanese language so it had no business in this world. Other than, of course, to be weird.

"ZZZZZZZ!" The two M's started saying. Were they speaking with it? Was there a language that the mystical Z had created, and they had somehow come to master?

"El hombre con el sombrero nos envoi!" Momo suddenly exclaimed. That…was definitely not Japanese.

"El nos dijo muchas historias asombrosas." Matsumoto nodded along with her. Whatever that language was, Hitsugaya decided that it, too, was not welcome.

The Z flashed white a few times and made positive noises, like if you made the right choice on a TV game show. Hitsugaya slumped.

TV…

The two laughed. "Ahohoho!"

"What?" Hitsugaya asked, voice going weak. That has been the creepiest laugh to ever cross his eardrums, and he had heard plenty of laughter. Laughter was always equated with evil for Hitsugaya now. He has since developed the belief that if someone was laughing, they were thinking of sadistic ways to kill him. What a sad, broken childhood he had had.

"Esta noche nosotros cenamos Tortugas." Matsumoto continued on.

"Así que bueno, ellos serán." Momo gave him a weird look, before the stupid looking Z started acting up again.

"ZZZZZZZZZ!" The giant Z began flashing and making that noise again. The flash was red this time. It shrank to the middle of the Z and shot out a laser that went over his head. He blamed them.

"Ah, what did you two do?" Hitsugaya questioned. It was becoming too much of a habit, asking that.

"ZZZZZZZ!" The two girls (?) shouted again.

"Soy Felíz." Momo supplied helpfully. The Z happily responded by flashing white and making happy 'you win but not really' noises.

"Ahohoho!" Matsumoto and Momo laughed again. This time, the Z flashed red once accompanied with a buzz.

In situations like this, there is very little you can do. The two ladies (HAH!) had decided to resume walking, so his only option was to duck his head, mutter, and follow.

"Just keep walking Toshiro, just keep walking," Hitsugaya muttered.

They had been walking for a few hours more when they met their next roadblock. This one, thankfully, did not have its own language.

"Hop on board the train, Shiro-chan!" Momo said as she jumped into said 'train'.

Matsumoto happily explained where the train would take them. Guess where. "It's gonna take us to the Banana King."

"I don't see any train; all I see is a giant sneaker." Hitsugaya filled in the readers explicitly.

"It's the choo choo shoe Captain." Matsumoto looked frustrated, and no wonder! The Choo Choo Shoe was world renowned for its five star service, comfy seats, excellent wine and voluptuous prostitutes.

"Choo choo shoooooee." Momo repeated, looking absolutely dazed by its majesty. Matsumoto had by this point joined her in the train.

"Hurry Captain, it's about to leave." Matsumoto encouraged him.

"Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Choo shoe Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Chuga Choo shoe" Matsumoto and Momo supplied for the train since…it couldn't do it itself.

Nothing happened. They went no where.

Hitsugaya was silent. Then, he recovered and moved on.

"I forgot my boarding pass, I'll just walk."

"We're heere Captaaaiiiin." Matsumoto dreamily realized.

"The temple of the Banana Kiiing." Momo added on, in case he didn't get it. In case _you_ don't get it, allow me to use a paragraph of about five sentences long to describe its aesthetic appeal.

The central structure was in the Egyptian pyramid shape, but the head was chopped off and buried somewhere deep within the forest. At each of the four corners of its severed neck stood a banana statue. On the headless pyramid itself was a banner that read: "Ex Oriente Lux Banana". On two sides of the pyramid were pictures of a banana with action lines around them, and on the front side were teardrop-like lines and a symbol eerily resembling the Soviet Union's hammer and sickle, only the sickle was a banana. Behind the monument was a wall with an arch and on either side, a torch burning fire. One giant fire was burning from inside the pyramid (without a head).

Crap, that was six sentences.

"Great, let's leave the amulet and go." Hitsugaya ended the pause in time to return the reader to the present moment. Rather rudely too, at that.

Something rustled in the grass, and a person appeared. Hitsugaya knew it to be Urahara, the exiled ex-captain who ran a shop for shinigami in the human world…because that sure made a lot of money. Problem was, he was wearing a Santa Claus hat and beard and did nothing but stare. Yuppers, he stared.

"What's he doing?" He continued at their grinning silence. "No, no really. You guys see it right?" It got worse when the silence and birdsong continued. He squinted his eyes to look at Urahara properly, but recoiled. He had red lipstick, blush, mascara and red eyeliner on too. It looked _so wrong._ He was a green guy, he looked good in green. Not red. "I gotta be honest; I'm getting really creeped out here. Somebody say something." Hysterics. Not good for anyone.

Conveniently, music (specifically of the piano variety) began playing when Urahara floated up and sang.

"Captain Hitsugaya you look quite down,  
With your big fat eyes,  
And your big fat frown.  
The world doesn't have to be so greeeeey."

The scene around them flashed, and they were on a disco floor. Banana statues stood at all ends, the sky was blue and black tie dye, and half a silver disk stood at the end of the floor. The accursed Soviet Union rip-off symbol was there too. Matsumoto and Momo were gone.

Hitsugaya glared at him.

"Captain Hitsugaya when your life's a mess,  
When you're feeling blue,  
Always in distress,  
I know what can wash that sad away."

Urahara by this point had floated over to be by Hitsugaya. The glare never relented.

"All you have to do is," he suddenly floated away:

"Put a banana in your ear!" Three bananas appeared, two on Hitsugaya's back, the other on Urahara's shoulder. Hitsugaya gave his a scared look.

"A Banana in my ear?" Hitsugaya asked sceptically. 

"Put a ripe banana right into your favourite ear." The banana on Urahara's shoulder floated off and away on its own.

"It's true!"

"Says who?" Hitsugaya returned his glare to Urahara Claus. The bananas on his back drifted away.

"So true,  
Once it's in your blues will disappear.

"The bad in the world is hard to hear,  
When in your ear a banana cheers.  
So go and put a banana in your ear."

Many bananas leaped out from behind the silver disk and sang along with Urahara. Matsumoto and Momo reappeared as well, but didn't sing. Just smiled on, like usual.

"Put a banana in your eaarr!" 

"I'd rather keep my ear clear." Hitsugaya protested.

"You will never be happy if you live your life in fear." This one made Hitsugaya snort and roll his eyes.

"It's true." They went on.

Hitsugaya retorted, "Says you."

They ignored him and went on:  
"So true  
When it's in the skies are bright and clear.  
Of every day of every year.  
The sun shines bright in this big blue sphere."

The scene disappeared from view, along with the bananas. Matsumoto and Momo had returned to his side silently. Urahara sank to the ground gracefully, singing the last notes of the song:

"So go and put a banana in your earrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." 

Urahara touched down, and burst into flames.

Hitsugaya scowled at the scene with unadulterated hatred. "Oh of course, he burst into flame. How lovely." The sarcasm dripped and made a terrible mess on the ground.

Of course no one paid attention. What were you expecting? A change of heart? That's asking for a lot. On a completely different note…

"Go forth magical amulet, return to the Banana King!" Matsumoto cried out in what she probably thought was a heroic manner. The amulet struggled at first, having difficulty escaping the crevice her chest made. Hitsugaya winced for it. They all knew how that felt. Especially in the morning.

The amulet breaks away from the chain and flies quickly towards the temple. It comes to hover overtop the headless pyramid's giant flame, and shined a light onto Hitsugaya. The light sparkled too. No idea how that works.

Momo looked absolutely flustered with excitement. "Shiro-chan, you're the Bonana King!"

The light picks him up (WTFBBQSAUCE) and pulls him steadily towards its source.

"What?" Hitsugaya scowled. "Hey, hey, hold on a minute!"

"You're the Bonana King, Captain Hitsugaya." One banana from the musical interlude that had been clinging to his back the entire time said.

He was already a Captain of the Seireitei! He didn't need nor want this position! "No, no I'm not, that doesn't even make sense." Hitsugaya objected.

Momo thought otherwise. "All hail the Banana King!"

"I'm not the Banana King!" Hitsugaya yelled back.

"You _are_ the Banana King!" Momo grinned. Some childhood-friend-turned-sexual-tension-friend she turned out to be, huh?

"No, no I'm…I'm…" Did he even have a good excuse to divert his true nature…?

"Banana banana banana banana banana." Even more bananas appeared, all repeating this phrase. A typical crown (Europe Inc. TM) placed itself gently on his head.

"I, I am the Banana King." The revelation was awe inspiring. He would have converted on the spot if not, you know, for being a god in his own right already.

The two 'women' down in front unenthusiastically hollered, "Yayyy!"

The banana encouraged him more. "You are the Bonana King."

"I'm the Banana King, yeah!" He looked down at them suddenly, and found that they were gone. "Hey, where'd you guys go?" No answer. "…Guys? …Hello?" The absurdity of the situation set in then. There was no way to escape either. "Get me down from here!"

The angelic music that had been playing the entire time became disconnected, like an old record. The mystical light flickered a few times before disappearing, along with the amulet. He fell. The crown went flying.

"Gah! Okay, that's a sprain."

He then had to make his way back home, through the forest, _alone. Dun dun ._

"Hello? Hello? …Guys?" It was a really long walk to boot. (To boot what, you say? Your face, obviously.) He finally made it back to his division office. "Guys, where are you? Oh you gotta be- great, they robbed me."

Indeed. His room was cleared of his desk, couches, books, TV and more. Alas, poor teletubbie. I knew him well.

The vortex in his back reopened and Matsumoto pooped (I mean POPPED) out.

"Captain!" Matsumoto cried.

"What, what do you want?"

"…Boloolo."

A/N: Again, I apologize. It had to be done.


End file.
